life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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