you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
