Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
