the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
