Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
