see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
