dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
