I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize