When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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