I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I was not drunk enough for that final.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
