I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
