I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize