I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
