Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
