I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
