Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
