sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
