Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
