This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
