I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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