I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
