she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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