He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
