I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
