They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
