proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
