My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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