Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm just crazy horny about you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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