Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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