I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
