people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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