Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
