Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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