how can u be prego again
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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