The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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