We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
