Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
