I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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