I'm really into asian looking animals
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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