My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
