i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
