2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
