He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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