Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
