I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
