Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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