My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Randomize