yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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