The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she peed on how many people?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
