I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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