dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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