just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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