Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
