i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
