So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
