I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
