It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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