I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
