i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
