Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
