thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
