If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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