I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
