why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
